Love & Logicisms Archives

Empathy Overpowers Anger

Parents who are strong enough to let youngsters experience the consequences of their actions also need to help them feel loved.  Too often parents or teachers mete out consequences with anger.  Missing empathy, the child feels no love and blames others for his/her own mistakes.

A parent recently told a nationally known educator and expert on child discipline that she needed help managing the art of empathy.  Here is her story: I keep getting mad when I give consequences.  I get mad at my daughter, and then she gets mad at me.  I almost got to empathy last week.  I was so close.  My daughter didn’t study her spelling words.  I kept hearing your voice during your lecture when you said,  “These can be great opportunities.  Don’t blow them by nagging.”  So I didn’t nag.  I also heard your voice saying, “The school will provide the consequences.  You can balance them with an equal amount of empathy.”  

She came home with a “D” on her test, and I did a great job of being sorry for her.  I said, “Wow! It must really be embarrassing to get a “D”. Then I heard your voice in my head saying, ”When you run out of things to say, transfer the problem to the youngster by asking a question.”  I said, “Wow! What are you going to do?”  With the saddest little face, she said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  I had her owning her own problem and thinking hard.  And then… I just had to do it.  I don’t know why, but I just blurted out, “And you’re not going to that party on Friday!”  That did it!  She started yelling, “What do you mean I’m not going to the party!  It’s not my fault I got a “D”.  You should see the words that teacher gives!  She never gives us any time to study and… it’s just not fair.”  

Isn’t it amazing?  It only took one remark for me to change my daughter from a thinker to a fighter.  So I’m back to work on empathy.  It helps to remember that using anger, threats, and lectures rarely works with children.  Parents need to combine consequences with empathy.  Those who deliver consequences in loving, firm tones find this far from easy.  But it works.

Empathy opens the mind for learning.

© Jim Fay, Cline/Fay Institute, 2207 Jackson Street, Golden, CO  80401.  Taken from:  Fay, Jim & Foster W. Cline, M.D.  The Pearls of Love and Logic for Parents and Teachers.  Golden, CO:  Love and Logic Press,  2000.